I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
