YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
