My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
