he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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