wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Randomize
