I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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