Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
