forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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