i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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