Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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