I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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