If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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