What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
