I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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