So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
