So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
