Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
