The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
