it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Just invented taco cereal.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize