Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
