Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
