The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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