the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
So squirting runs in the family.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
