If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize