Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
