dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize