do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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