My boss' voice literally gives me gas
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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