she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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