1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
