I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
