I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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