my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
