I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
