I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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