Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
