So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
