i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
