3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
