I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Randomize
