he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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