theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
