why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Randomize
