So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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