508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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