I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
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