I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
