Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Randomize
