I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
