the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Randomize
