My boss' voice literally gives me gas
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
