gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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