quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Randomize
