My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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