Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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