just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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