Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize